I had my appointment today to talk with the doctor about starting back on my ADD medication. This was a tough one. I said previously that it bothers me that my brain doesn't function the way other people's brains do. It does bother me...but it is also just kinda who I am.
I mean...I'm Cyndi. That's it. I'm crazy, talkative, disorganized, and scatter-brained. I'm kind of charming in my own way, though, right??? Anyone? Anyone? *crickets chirping*
Okay, but for real. I want to be able to get things in my life in order, and I will, but I don't want to lose part of who I am in the process. It scares me.
The doctor also talked to me today about how ADD goes along with depression and anxiety sometimes. She was asking me all kinds of questions. I'm not depressed, although I have dealt with some depression in the past, however, when she brought up anxiety, it really hit me hard. It wasn't something that I was expecting to deal with today.
I have always dealt with anxiety. Always. It's such a huge part of my day to day life, that I don't really know what it would be like to be without it. If there is anything I am good at (beside making excuses) it is worrying. I tell you what, if I didn't have something to worry about I don't know what I would do all day!
I really had a hard time speaking with her about this. I guess when she mentioned it I starting thinking about my life, and after really talking about all of it with her I realized just how constant my anxiety is. I also realized how much worse it had gotten over the past few months.
We have dealt with a lot of changes recently, and that always throws my anxiety into over-drive, with Nick's job being the biggest change. His hours leave him driving home late at night, and I hate it. He leaves work at 2:00 am, right when bars are closing. Him being on the road so late is my biggest source of anxiety.
I remember in high school, I would hear my parents leave for work in the morning, and I would start praying. I would pray and pray and pray that nothing bad would happen to them that day, and I would keep praying until my mom would text me to let me know she made it to work. I have struggled with fears like this for a long time. Much longer than I should have.
All of this was multiplied and made a gazillion times worse when I happen to come up on that terrible accident that killed my friend's son. Since then, I have literally had a daily struggle to keep from breaking down whenever I know Nick is driving late. This kind of fear is so unhealthy. It's immobilizing. The thoughts that haunt me every night are horrible. And I'm over it.
I can't even begin to imagine the feeling of being free from this crap that has held me back for so long. I know that God is not the one putting those horrible thoughts into my head. I know He has more planned for my life than that. I know that He doesn't want this holding me back from the amazing things he has in store for me.
So, I started back on my ADD medicine, but she also prescribed me an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medicine that will hopefully help control my anxiety. I'm excited and I am so thankful that my doctor made me talk to her about it today.
I guess we can say that day 3 of this challenge was about facing my fears. It needed to be done.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and
self-discipline." -2 Timothy 1:7